Learning to Forgive

Forgiving is not is not easy

More often than not we forgive like the mother of a little girl who had been good a whole week, and asked mother for a favor. “I know” the mother answered, “that you have been good all this week, but you know you were bad last week.”

In a passionate burst of emotion the little girl exclaimed: “Oh, mother, you are not one bit like God. When He forgives He doesn’t keep bringing it up afterward.”

The little girl was right. We don’t forgive like God does. We can’t forgive and let it go. Forgiving others is hard.

I don’t know anyone who hasn’t been hurt or felt betrayed by another. Some have suffered so much harm by another that it has left mental scars that may never fully heal.

To ask someone who has been hurt that deeply to forgive that person for what they did to them is like moving a mountain. It seems to be an impossibility.

Instead of forgiveness, our natural tendency is to seek revenge. We want to get back and hurt them as badly as they hurt us. That thinking will only make us as bad as the person who hurt us.

Seeking revenge will never fix what was done to you. I know some of you may be hurting a lot. Maybe you were abused, physically or mentally. You may have been betrayed by someone you loved and trusted.

Seeking to hurt them will not take away what happened, it will only take you down a path where you become bitter and resentful, and not only to the one who hurt you, but also to others who would be willing to help you.

The Bible teaches a different way. Luke 9:27-28 says, "But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you.”

Now there are a couple reasons we should forgive and do good to those who have done you wrong. The first reason you need to learn to forgive is because -

You need to forgive for your own health

R. T. Kendall, in an article called Total Forgiveness once wrote,

“When we are bitter, we delude ourselves into thinking that those who hurt us are more likely to be punished as long as we are set on revenge. We are afraid to let go of those feelings. After all, if we don’t make plans to see that justice is done, how will justice be done?

We make ourselves believe that it is up to us to keep the offense alive.

This is a lie-the devil’s lie.

“Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: `It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Rom. 12:19).

We only hurt ourselves when we dwell on what has happened to us and fantasize about what it will be like when “they” get punished.”

I know from personal experience how the lack of forgiveness destroys your own health.

April 2012 through July 2013 was the worst period of my life. My wife of 28 years, the one I thought I would spend my entire life with had an affair with her high school boyfriend. She told me after it started in April 2012 and it sent me into a tailspin.

At first I wanted to fix it. Heal the marriage any way I could. I did whatever I could, even selling the home I built to buy the home she said she wanted.

Nothing worked. At the end of November 2012 she left and moved to Georgia. I was a miserable wreck. Depression and hate filled my heart. I lashed out at others and behaved in ways I never behaved before.

The hurt I was feeling was tearing me apart inside. At the end of February 2013 chest pains became so severe I drove myself to the emergency room.

They ran tests and told me I had had a heart attack. They also informed me that it hadn’t been my first. I remember having the same pain four days after my anniversary in August. A day that went very badly for me in which my wife had said some very horrible things to me.

I recovered from that heart attack and went back to work and being miserable, but in the first week of May I had my third heart attack, followed by a blood clot that went from my ankle to my waist.

I ended up spending eleven days lying in the University of Maryland Hospital in Baltimore recovering from the blood clot. I realized while lying there that this self-pity couldn’t continue. I had to forgive my ex-wife and move on with my life.

Once I forgave her and stopped letting the hurt get the best part of me, I could start healing both emotionally and physically.

Please don’t hold on to the hurt that someone has done to you. It will only destroy you unless you forgive the other person in your heart and move on with your life.

You need to forgive because God forgave you

Besides the fact that we need to forgive for our own health sake, we who are believers in Jesus Christ should also forgive because we have been forgiven of our failures by God.

This is stated very plainly in Ephesians 4:32, where it says.

“And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”

Also in Colossians 3:13.

“Bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.”

The Bible makes it very plain, since we have been forgiven by God for all our wrong doing of our entire life, then we should forgive others for the few things they have done against us.

In Matthew 18:23-35, Jesus tells a parable about how there was a rich man who was settling his accounts when he came across an individual who owed him what amounted to nearly $200 million in today’s money. Of course the man couldn’t pay it and begged for forgiveness. The rich man showed great compassion on that man and released him from his debt.

That man who was released from such a large debt then went out to one who owed him $6000.00. Instead of showing the same compassion that was shown to him, he had the man thrown into prison until the debt was paid.

When the rich man found out what this man did he had him brought before him once again. The rich man was appalled by the fact that even though he had shown him mercy, the man gave no mercy to others and demanded the full amount he originally owed by sending him to prison for the rest of his life.

Jesus ended up saying in Matthew 18:35, "So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses."

We should think long and hard about having a spirit of forgiveness. We would not want to be at odds with God.

How many times should we forgive?

I love the stories in the Bible. Sometimes they can even be a bit humorous.

One of those humorous stories is told in Matthew 18:21 where it says, “Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”

What history tells us is that the Pharisees, the religious teachers of the time, taught that one should forgive someone three times for a fault and then forgive them no more.

I’m sure Peter when he suggested seven times was thinking Jesus would see Peter as generous, after all he was being more than twice as generous as the Pharisees.

Peter’s pride was probably shattered when Jesus responded in verse 22 “Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”

What Jesus wanted to stress that we should never come to a point where we are unwilling to forgive. I doesn’t mean that person who keeps needing to be forgiven gets off the hook, but it does mean the one who has been hurt needs to be as gracious and patient with that person as God is with us.

Forgiving doesn’t mean there are no consequences

Doing wrong always has consequences. Bad habits like excessive drinking and smoking damages the body.

Wronging another person leads to broken relationships and losing trust.

Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you don’t take steps to make sure the same thing doesn’t happen again.

A wife who has an abusive husband needs to forgive him for her own sake, but that doesn’t mean she should welcome him back into her home. It may take years, if ever, to restore that relationship.

It is popular to say ‘forgive and forget’, but you can’t really forget. Time may help heal as you move on from the hurt, but it will always be there in some pocket of your mind.

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you are now okay with what they did. Forgiving someone is the act of giving grace to someone else.

Grace is when you receive something good that you don’t deserve.

Ephesians 2:8 says, “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God.”

In other words we receive the forgiveness of our sins through God’s grace. He is the ultimate example of forgiving.

Because He has forgiven us a lifetime of sins when we receive in as our Savior, then He expects us to do the same.

Matthew 6:14-15 says forgiveness is vital to remaining in a close relationship with Him.

“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

If we want the Lord’s blessing we need to learn how to forgive.

So, what does it mean to forgive someone? Author Rick Love wrote, “In its simplest terms, to forgive is to “surrender our right to get even.”

If you forgive, you need to leave it in the past. If you says you have forgiven someone and yet anytime you get upset with them and bring it up in an argument, then you really haven’t forgiven them.

Leave the past in the past. Live in the present and look for hopefully toward the future. Living in the past, dwelling on those who wronged you will slowly destroy you.

Have the same heart as God does and forgive those who have hurt you so you can move forward with your life.

Have a wonderful and blessed day!